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If you’ve ever tried functioning before your first cup of coffee, you know it’s a dangerous time for everyone involved. Scientists may call it “waking up,” but I call it “a daily struggle against complete mental chaos.”
Here are some of the things my brain does before coffee:
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1. Forgets Why I Walked Into a Room
I confidently march into the kitchek with a mission. Two seconds later, I’m standing there staring at the refrigerator like it’s going to reveal the meaning of life.
Why am I here?
What was I doing?
Who am I?
The answers remain a mystery.
2. Reads the Same Sentence Five Times
Before coffee, reading becomes an extreme sport.
I can read the same paragraph repeatedly and somehow absorb absolutely none of it. My eyes are moving. The words are there. But my brain is currently out of office.
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3. Becomes Deeply Suspicious of Morning People.
People who say things like “I woke up at 5 a.m. and went for a run” concern me.
I wake up at 7 a.m. and need fifteen minutes to establish diplomatic relations with reality.
4. Makes Terrible Decisions.
Before coffee, every idea sounds reasonable.
Should I reply to important emails right now?
Absolutely not.
Should I online shop for things I don’t need?
Absolutely yes.
5. Loses Things in Places They Absolutely Shouldn’t Be Lost.
One morning I spent ten minutes looking for my phone
It was in my hand.
I wish this was a rare occurrence.
6. Has Full Conversations That Make No Sense.
Someone asks me a simple question.
Them: “How did you sleep?”
Me: “Thursday.”
Them: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
7. Starts Tasks and Immediately Forgets About Them.
I start making breakfast.
Then I start unloading the dishwasher.
Then I notice laundry.
Then I remember an email.
Then I wonder if penguins have knees.
Suddenly thirty minutes have passed and breakfast is still not made.
8. Moves at Internet Explorer Speed. Think
Everything takes longer.
Walking.
Talking.
Thinking.
Blinking.
Meanwhile, people who wake up energized seem suspiciously supernatural.
9. I Think Weird Thoughts.
Before coffee, my brain asks important questions like:
Do fish know they’re wet?
Do pigeons have enemies?
If a tomato is a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
These thoughts contribute nothing to society.
10. I Trust Myself Far Too Much.
Before coffee, I’ll think:
“I don’t need directions. I know where I’m going.”
Five minutes later, I’m somehow heading in the opposite direction while confidently being wrong.
The Transformation
Then coffee kicks in
Suddenly I know my name
I can form complete thoughts
I can locate objects that are directly in front of me
The miracle is complete
Until the next morning , when my brain once again enters power-saving mode and waits for caffeine to negotiate its release.
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